Guilt

Someone once told me that once your baby, or in my case babies, is born, "Mother's Guilt" is something that you will live with every day for the rest of your life. Oh how right they were!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty for 20 things that happened during the day.

Today, I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Twice.

I did not scream at my babies, but I did scream because of them. Guilt.

(Olivia was completely neglected because Ella would not stop fussing or crying all day. I couldn't even feed Olivia her bottle without stopping 10 times to try and calm Ella.)

Today, I wished, begged, pleaded, and prayed that my babies would sleep for an hour just so that I could take a nap. Guilt.

( I couldn't fall asleep till midnight and they were up at 4.)

Today, I put my babies in their swing instead of playing with them because I was exhausted and needed a break. Guilt.

(I wanted to make pancakes for breakfast and sit down and eat them with a cup of coffee...in peace and quiet.)

Today, I placed my babies in front of the TV to "watch cartoons" so that I could catch another break. Guilt.

( I needed to wash dishes and boil all their pacifiers and nipples because there was a silverfish in their drawer.)

Today, I realized Ella has a rash because of the cereal I was giving her at night so that she would sleep longer. Guilt.

(They were waking up every 3 hours at night and screaming every 2 during the day because they simply do not want to drink more than 4 ounces at a time and it's NOT holding them over.)

Today, I realized Olivia's Eczema has gotten worse, probably because of the cereal that I was giving her so she would also sleep a little longer. Guilt.

(The nights she has not gotten cereal, she has been up every few hours. And not even for a bottle, just fussy.)

Today, I have been a mopey, crabby, complaining Mommy instead of just shutting up and being grateful that I have the 2 most amazing babies in the world. Guilt.

(Completely grateful for my life, just throwing a pity party for myself.)

Today, I got mad at my Husband for not getting home from work until 7:30 all because I needed some help. Guilt.

(He is our provider and works his hardest to make sure we are taken care of. He didn't deserve my attitude.)

And so here I am. Feeling guilty for the choices I made today.

Praying that tomorrow I learn to make better ones.